Family separation affects children in many ways, some that are not readily apparent until later in life when children become parents themselves.  In the UK, where the divorce and separation rate remains high, perhaps its time to change the way we help families to deal with the aftermath of separation.

The children who do best after separation are those whose parents can disentangle the ending of their adult relationship from their ongoing parenting relationship.  This ability to continue to parent together provides for children the continuity and certainty of a close relationship with mum and dad, which in turn provides the foundation for successful adult relationships in the future.  But too many parents who are separating find themselves so caught up in their own pain and suffering that their children’s needs are simply overlooked.

To makes things worse the support  that is available to separating parents is often responsible for increasing the conflict between them.  Many organisations encourage the notion that one parent has control over the children, viewing the other as an optional extra, or argue that both parents should have equal rights to their children’s time. Neither of these approaches help parents to work together to give their children the love, care and support that is so essential to their well being.

We  should instead set an expectation that both parents will continue to be fully involved in their children’s lives after separation and invest in services to support that.  These services should not just be about reducing conflict but about helping children to feel secure in a model of close, positive parenting that they will be able to draw upon when they become parents themselves.

Services to support the rebuilding of parenting partnerships are delivered widely in other countries (for example Australia) but remain rare and underfunded in the UK.  The Centre for Separated Families offers support to both parents at the point of separation and beyond, helping separated mums and dads to build better relationships.  This approach is not a quick fix. But the investment is worth it because the research shows that  when parents can rebuild a working partnership their children will benefit for the rest of their lives.

We believe that the time has come to move from focusing upon adult rights to supporting parental responsibilities, and to invest in more services that reorientate parents towards the needs of their children. It is time for those who develop policy to think differently about what is really needed for children.  This is not just about helping children now, but about investing in the future.