What do you think Kids in the Middle should campaign for?

A further campaign demand that missed my previous list (below):

3) That Government legislation should not be exempt from the Human Rights Act. The CSA/CMEC stuff apparently was...and for what good reason, certainly NOT for the benefit of the environment and lives of chidlfren !

This is what KITM should be campaigning for (indeed this is what the Political parties should also be proposing at the present time, rather than any further tampering of the taxation system to add bias in relation to one type of families, as opposed to any other):

1) A FULL and proper recognition of ALL family types that children grow up in. Take any survey and the range of types ONLY amounts to (courtesy of thefamilycommision.org.uk survey for example):

(1a) Married parents (1b) Cohabitating parents (1c) Lone mothers (1d) Lone fathers (1e) One family with others(whatever that means! presumably step-families) (1f) Couple(no children living at home) (g) Single person (no children living at home).

In separated/divorce parenting, the main thrust of these options points to Lone mother or Lone father, a.k.a. a pre-conceived idea of one parent parenting as opposed to the other.

YET, there are countless children, who from time of parent separation/divorce are parented by both of their parents at different times, they are subject to and live within Shared Parenting regimes/arrangements and quite successfully so. Yet further, does the statute and the effects of it, fully support those children and their parents, let alone properly recognise those children in a fully equitable and supportive way? NO it does not, the statute can at best be described as supportive to one of the continuing parents and derogatory/divisive to the other continuing parent, and for what good reason?

In summary the first campaign point should be to have parent-child families in Shared Parenting regimes fully recognised and fully supported. The difficulties father's face in/at their father-child family times, are NO different to those mothers face in/at their mother-child family times: child care, work times and opportunities etc etc.

2) The second campaign point should be to have all derogatory, divisive and discriminatory areas of the statute repealed/amended and all services compelled to support both parents in their parent-child/family relationships. There has been comment here on splitting CHB etc, but the effect of not splitting in a fully equitable manner which properly takes account of the needs and responsibilities of each parent who parents, inclusive of the time element each parent is responsible for a child's residence and care is wholly discriminatory, and completely divisive leading in just about every circumstance to worsening inter-parent and parent-child relationships. A brief summary of some areas (although many many more!) that need urgent attention in order to move from divisive to supportive of family relationships is (concentrating on separated/divorce parents):

(2a) A legal presumption of contact/residence between mother-child and father-child on separation (a.k.a. a fully non-divisive base/starting condition firmly embedded within the Children Act). At time of separation, parent feelings are very raw, but the state/statute should be helping each parent to rapidly move to a stable continuation of their own family lives with their children, not giving one party a ready weapon to prevent the other parent from having a continued family life with their children. In itself, the current position triggers worsening inter-parent cooperation from the word go, all to the detriment of children's lives.

(2b) A firm recognition that the upholding of the human right's of children themselves, is in children's best interests. In other words the best interests of children also include the upholding of their human rights. That may seem obvious, and Government makes great play on children's human right's, but it is all lip service, as witnessed by their long delay in properly signing up to the UNCHR. In many quarters, there is now (and often begrudgingly) increasing recognition of the benefits to children of them have a proper and ongoing relationship with both parents, yet Children's right to a family life, and which in separated/divorced scenarios, means a right to a family life with BOTH parents is BLATANTLY ignored.

(2c) For separated/divorced parents: Splitting of CHB on the basis of the actual periods of family life that a child experiences with each parent. To quote HMRC "Normally we pay Child Benefit to the person the child lives with", which in their view is ONE person! HOWEVER, if the child lives elsewhere for more than 43% (7 weeks in every 16) of the time, no chance! What UTTER drivel !

(2d) Ditto: Splitting of tax credits (for children where applicable) on the basis of the actual periods of family life that a child experiences with each parent.

(2e) Further, the removal from all other legislation, that uses the SOLE recipient of CHB as the gateway/threshold for any other benefit/claim/payment requirements. One good example here is the very flawed CSA/CMEC rules which are very anti Shared Parenting (a.k.a. very anti- children having a stable ongoing family life with both parents, due to the worsening separated parent relationships that this stimulates). If you are not the CHB recipient, but yet still have your children resident with you and in your care for a substantial if not equal period, YOU ARE STILL compelled to pay the other parent. This is WRONG, totally and absolutely. Cross payment (if necessary) should be based on the ACTUAL periods of residence and not on some totally arbitrary rules.

IN SUMMARY, rather than being led by the Government nose into yet more incentives, or along different lines (many of which the outcome may not reflect the desired intention, as has so often been the case), KITM should concentrate on campaigning for what has the greatest influence on children's lives, which for a starter is the prerequisite that all children can grow and develop in a stable and loving environment with both of their parents, irrespective of whether those parent live in the same house or not. You can throw as much money as you like at an issue, but unless we start first and foremost by removing the major impediments to children having a stable environment ALREADY in the system, children are always going to suffer. INSPIRED and DETERMINED revisions/changes are what are required, NOT further tinkering.

Dear Duncan Fisher and those who read this,

I attended the conference in 2008 launching the Kids in the Middle campaign, but have not looked at the website until now. I appreciate the many comments by people who have expereinced family breakdown and those who work with them, but as always there is little or no mention of mediation. I am the Director of the Centre for Mediation and Conflict Resolution at the Institute of Family Therapy (IFT) in central London and have been a practising family mediator for 14 years. I have worked with people from all walks of life and as many siutations of separation and divorce as you can imagine. I find it very frustrating that mediation is so little understood by the public and how little press we are given. I am talking about independent, not-for-profit mediation services which operate outside the courts, dealing with children issues and also financial matters. I have my own views about the need for better training of mediators, however I would like to make the point that working with couples in conflict, especially those with children, requires knowledge and understanding of the emotional dynamics of separation and divorce and these are not inherently legal issues. We can work alongside legal advisors and people are of course entitled to independent legal advice, however, solicitors and courts operate in an adversarial system whereas mediation is about helping people find their own solutions in a less pressured environonment.

I recently spoke at an evidence gathering seminar organised by MP Henry Billingham and I hope the message will get through that there is no need to reinvent the wheel-ther are many mediation services around the UK already operating and in need of more referrals, so please consider mediation as an option. I am aware of the grievances of fathers aired on this website and tehy should know that mediators are impartial, we do not take sides, we listen to all points of view, we think of the extended family as well. We are not however neutral about the welfare of children and we can and do offer help and information to parents about how to help their children - including giving them copies of Deidre Sanders excellent booklet produced for Kids in the Middle. Mr. Fisher if you read this comment, I would be happy to discuss this further with you. You can email me: Lorraine@iftnet.plus.com or phone 020 7391 9150.

Paul,

I asked the Child Poverty Action Group about the splitting of Child Benefit when there is shared care. This is what they replied.

A 50/50 split in care doesn't necessarily result in a 50/50 split in costs - and may well increase costs overall across the two households. That's why Child Poverty Action Group has always preferred a premium to be paid for shared care, rather than splitting the benefit thus reducing the income of one household . Simply splitting the benefit without increasing its overall value for separated families would lead to greater hardship and deprivation in the household that sees its CB reduced, and that would hit hardest on households headed by women following a split, since we know women fare worse financially after separation than do men, with a greater risk of increased child poverty as a result. The problem would be exacerbated when the spilt is not an exact 50/50 (more often likely to be the case - 50/50 shared care is still relatively untypical) as it's more likely that the parent who has the child for longer bears a disproportionate share of the costs, and splitting the benefit in those circumstances on a straight time-based percentage would be even more likely to lead to an increase in child poverty.

So, while it won't be true in every case, essentially splitting CB would typically move money from poorer households to better off households, and from the households that bear the higher proportion of the costs associated with raising children, with damaging effects on child poverty as a result.

The other argument is about simplicity - CB is unaffected by changes in family structure, which makes it easy to administer, stable and reliable. That's especially important at time of family instability with all the knock-on effects on the security of household finances.

The ideas set out here build on work our project is currently providing to schools in Stoke-on-Trent and North Staffordshire. We provide child counsellors in a number of primary and secondary schools for children who are struggling as a result of their parents separation. We are working with the community and learning partnerships to provide a range of services to parents and children. We have group work programmes for parents and children, one to one parenting support, supported and supervised contact and information, advice and guidance.

Many of the families we see are not in the legal system, they have tried to sort the separation out for themselves and sometimes need support and encouragement to get over some stumbling blocks. There is no right or wrong way to achieve what works for your family, sometimes parents and children need a neutral person with whom they can share concerns and ideas.

The Kids in the Middle campaign has helped to raise the profile of families struggling with separation and has brought it to the attention of the public and policy makers.

this sounds really excellent and I'd - we'd! - like to know more!

I totally endorse what Gilly has said. There needs to be a place where young people can go to talk through their issues about family relationships and divorce. Many young people struggle when their parents’ relationship is beginning to break down and witness some difficult and unpleasant situations as it deteriorates. This is a time, in my experience as a counsellor and agony aunt, that young people feel especially burdened as it feels disloyal to discuss this with their friends. I think as well, that we should be considering small groups in schools, that would originally be facilitated and could then become self support groups run by peers. Older children who are going through this experience are faced with particular issues e.g. leaving their parents if they go to university, or listening to their parents’ woes. Having a peer group to relate to would be invaluable.

Thank you for your feedback. Amy and I now feel we are 'out the other side' so to speak but Amy is keen to help others and talk with other single parent families. As a teacher I like the idea of support groups in schools and children feeling empowered to help and support each other.
Many thanks

I'm so glad that people are finding the links to resources/websites useful.

An important contribution that a broad coalition such as Kids in the Middle can make is signposting on to existing resources and materials.

As there are already some good resources out there, a clear links and resources section on the Kids in the Middle website might prove an invaluable resource for children, young people and adults who don't know where to turn for help. After all there is no need to reinvent the wheel.

Of course, none of this is a substitute for the invaluable face-to-face support that needs to be available for parents and young people. Support in schools is one option, but in our experience at Action for Children sometimes young people will need individual support in a more independent environment.

Kate

Amy and Gilly, I loved your posts. I direct this campaign and I have asked the children's organisations to think about this. I had the idea for this campaign when I watched a nine-year old girl (a friend of my daughter) go through the separation of her parents and she also just did not get enough support. The teachers really did their best, but teachers have too much to do anyway with teaching! There are things out there for children, the trouble is that most children don't know about them, and the grown-ups don't know about them either. I am going to find out what those things are (give me a week!) and post them here.

Amy, I would like to ask you a question. Have you ever seen what Agony Aunts do in newspapers? People write to them about their troubles. Some Agony Aunts are able to write a private and detailed response to every letter. Then some of the letters and some of the replies are published (so that nobody could ever trace who wrote the letter!) and this helps a lot of other people who have similar problems. My question is this. If there were an Agony Aunt for children, do you think you would write to that person? The Agony Aunt would then tell you all the things out there that could help you, like websites and people to talk to properly.

Thank you for your reply it meant a lot to Amy. I had trouble finding sites suitable for Amy and posting them here would help us and hopefully others. Amy felt very shut out at times especially on the occasions I had to go to court, she wanted someone to listen to her comments. I can remember her saying 'this is happening to me so why doesn't anyone want to know what I think?' I fortunately had a very caring barrister whose motto was 'divorce is a problem to be solved not a battle to be won' and she read Amy's comments and wanted to see them used for the benefit of her and others. Just knowing someone who was 'important' had read them made such a difference. For us an online forum style would work well so I hope that a site such as this could include that along with those so important children's pages. Many thanks

Thank you for your reply. I would find that it would really help and help me get on with life. Hopefully I wouldn't worry so much. I would also like to have a friend who has been through something like me thank you. Amy

Hi Amy,

I'm sorry to hear that you went through a difficult time when your parents separated and needed some support. At the Centre for Separated Families, we recommend the following sites that are just for children.

It’s not your fault
This website has lots of useful information that will help you cope. Including what you might be feeling, how to feel better and how your mum and dad can help you. www.itsnotyourfault.org

Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support)
If your parents are going to court because they can’t agree on who will look after you, this website will help you to understand how things will work. Cafcass looks after the interests of children in family courts. www.cafcass.gov.uk

CyberMentors
CyberMentors is all about young people helping and supporting each other online. If you're being bullied, or are feeling a bit low, or are maybe troubled by something and you're not sure what to do or who to talk to, then CyberMentors is where you can go for help. It doesn't matter how big or small you think the problem is, or whether you're being targeted online or offline, CyberMentors are here to listen and support you. www.cybermentors.org.uk

CBBC Newsround
"My parents split up last year, it started when I was four, I was really scared but now I am fine with it because I know it wasn't my fault and that both my parents love me." Views about splitting up from children themselves. www.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews

and don't forget that you can always call ChildLine on 08001111 or look at their website which is www.ChildLine.org.uk

Best wishes

Karen
Centre for Separated Families

Paul, You get right to the heart of the straight away! The fact is
that our whole system, starting during pregnancy, and the whole way we
talk about parenting, assumes that all the parenting is done by one
parent. Look at information given to parents by maternity services.
Or leave entitlements, which are nearly for all one parent only. Look
at the debate about work - it is all about whether mothers should work
(full-time) or not work (full-time). What about a bit of both, which
is what the vast majority of parents do already? What about the other
parent? When parents separate, it continues, as you describe. The
REALITY is that parents are sharing all over the place, more and more
- while they are still together and also after they separate, because
they need to. But not nearly AS MUCH as they need to, because of all
the barriers in an outdated system.

I think a lot needs to be done to support the sharing of care between
separated parents. I have heard, though, that splitting child benefit
causes problems for very poor families - I will find out more, or get
someone who knows to write a post! But what could be changed more
easily is the way that lots of other benefits are "passported" by the
Child Benefit Book, so that any separated parent looking after a child
some of the time can be hepled. And in other countries, child support
payments are scaled much more according to the degree of sharing of
care and relative incomes of the parents.

And you are very right that there is nothing like splitting of roles
to eat away at a relationship between parents. Leading researchers in
USA, Phil and Carolyn Cowan, say the big "who does what in the house?"
question is the thing that creates most upsets in families with young
children. There is a growing body of evidence that parents who share
roles more have stronger relationships. Perhaps it is just that
parents who get on better help each other more with earning money and
looking after the house. But I think it is also something else - if
parents share a bit (not necessarily 50/50) first they have a bit of
balance in their own lives, but also they share each other's lives a
bit more and understand the other's situation. Some parents do split
roles completely (richer ones generally who can afford to live on one
salary only) and it can work. But they are a minority now, and for
others, leading separate lives can be a pretty depressing experience!

You said "Some parents do split roles completely (richer ones generally who can afford to live on one
salary only) and it can work. But they are a minority now..." But i'm not so sure. i've just - on a Sunday afternoon - been to our local supermarket and it's heaving - HEAVING - with people doing a weekly shop. and hardly any of them were women on their own or even women alone with kids. the vast majority were families - mum, dad and kids together. now, you can tut tut about shopping being the new entertainment and that's a whole different ball game, but what i've been observing is families who are not rich, who are not A/B and where it's crystal clear that both parents are taking a hands-on approach to parenting..together. while it may be the professionals who make it a decision to both work part time, or have the man take a year or so to be at home for a change, what does appear to be happening is where there is little choice because of redundancy or short-working hours for men but employment for women more and more men are recognizing the upside to this. what i did notice today was very little conflict, no smacking at all and an awful lot of laughter and togetherness. interesting!

Hi
I am the mother of Amy and I was pleased to read the article in The Times and have a look at the articles and comments online. Amy is an articlulate child and was bought up with the parenting ethos that anything and everything could be discussed within a home setting. When I had to face the legalities of divorce this open approach was challenged and I was accused of over burdening her. In fact I had only answered as basically as I could the questions she presented. I felt I had to almost present the case for my style of parenting which at a time when you are facing all sorts of challenges was not easy. For us there was sadly no option of co parenting and this is a source of great sadness. I fortunately had a strong background and many years experience in education and psychology and clung to what I believed in strongly, that although not always having answers should not stop communication. Amy felt strongly she wanted to present her thoughts but had no way of doing so. I could only encourage her to keep a notebook with her and write things down which she could share or not at a later date if she wished. Her upset was handled at times clumsily by those she came into contact with and she was at one time told not to ask questions which horrified me. She took away from this that a divorce was something bad and that was inflicted on her and that her views were not important.
It is so important that children can express their ideas and for us in a rural community not to feel that what is happening to them is wrong, or bad, or make them feel different from their peers. Children should not feel unable to talk about things because as adults we find their insights difficult or uncomfortable.
I hope that children such as Amy who for all the right reasons don't come into contact with professionals are able to access a site and realise that they are not alone and that their insights can be valued and of help to others.
I hope children in this situation can feel supported as hte nature and style of their family changes to a new form and that as a community we can embrace the contrubution that they make at this difficult time.

I would like to see Kids in the Middle campaigning for Child Benefit to be split between parents and a fairer child support and tax credit system.

At the moment, you can go to court and get a shared residence order but, when you step out of court, mothers get the Child Benefit, can use to the Child Support Agency to get money from fathers and get a tax credit to reflect their parenting.

In my case, I am providing half of the care of my children (which includes feeding them, taking them out, buying them clothes, giving them pocket money etc) but get no financial support to help me. Not only that, but I have to give money to their mum despite the fact that she earns much more money than I do.

There is no wonder that parents end up in conflict when the system is so patently unfair!

It's one of the issues that Duncan Fisher and I have had long discussions about because we both feel that at present, we tend to look at how parents split responsibility and care in a very artificial and unhlepful way. The general assumption seems to be that if you see your child for 2 days a week, you're taking 2/7ths of care. Our argument would be that whether you see your child 1 day a year or every day, you're a 100% parent. If you’re a Dad, you’re 100% a Dad, however often or little you saw your child. It would simply be so much better for children, and separated parents, to see it that way. OK - then we can get into discussions about who pays for what and who should therefore get all or some of the benefits available. But surely, it wouldn’t matter who got them if both parents were supportive of each other and agreed that the child’s best interests were paramount, and would and could split the money as they saw fit together. You may live apart but you still parent together - shouldn't you? And that’s the areas I would like to help and support people in achieving - communicating and agreeing. Agreement and communication are often difficult - that’s why we started KITM. But it’s an aspiration and I tend to feel a better one to wonder how and whether we could encourage and achieve that spending time on working out and enforcing complicated formulae for splitting finances. But maybe somebody else could and would come in here and suggest how Paul’s question might be answered?

What you are discussing is already happening in the UK.

the Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission has already started the process of helping parents to work out private agreements for payment of child maintenance between them. Since the repeal of section 6, it has no longer been mandatory to go through the Child Support Agency and parents are able to access information and support in making choices about supporting children through the Child Maintenance Options Service - www.cmoptions.org - 0800 988 0988. This service is free of charge and gives access to a wide range of information as well as leaflets and private agreement forms for recording agreements made.

The Child Maintenance Commission are blazing a trail for separated parents in the UK, with respectful and constructive attitudes that really understand the underlying issues facing separated families. The Centre for Separated Families has worked closely with the Commission and continues to support its work by offering separated parents the support that they need to address grief, pain and suffering so that working together is possible. The results of this work show us that the right way forward in support to separated families is to begin from a place where each parent is valued and where each is considered to be capable of providing care and finance for children. This is not unusual in Europe and in other Countries in the world and is the result of gender mainstreaming in policy and practice, something the UK is so far, seemingly unable to put into widespread practice, particularly in the field of children and family services.

The European Network on Shared Parenthood - www.puttingchildrenfirst.eu, brings together a number of organisations working in the field of children and family services across Europe. This network is convened by the Centre for Separated Families and we are learning a great deal from it about how to change policy and practice in ways that truly benefit the whole family after separation. We are finding answers to difficult questions through our work in Europe and we will be bringing some of the people we are working with to the UK in the spring to share these more widely.

Hi I am nine years old and my Mum and Dad have been though a divorce which carried on for three years and I would have liked to have some classes for children to help me have my say as well as others. i think the website is very good but i would like some pages for children to help them.
Thank you for helping

I speak as a mother but also as a child who grew up with a stepfather and never saw my father and mother get along. I am 25 and have two children and I am living with my partner who is not the father of my children. The father of my children doesn't see them very often and I feel for them so much because they miss him and my current partner tries very hard to be like a father to them. I don't want them to go through what I had to and it's scary to see that in a way what I went through is repeating itself.
I was reading yesterday's The Times and read the column by Suzie Hayman and it was the help I just needed, I think it is great, I am longing to speak to someone professional without worrying about the cost, or worrying about how long it will take for me to see someone professional. The online support would be amazing and so would be the hands on support at schools for the pupils and maybe for parents for the younger ones?
Thank you so much for this I hope that this is the beginning of the solution that the children and I needed.

I really like the idea of an agony aunt for children. That also informs the idea that schools can be great places for children to access support outside of their families, without having to break cover and contact a big scary statutory service.

I agree wholeheartedly with Katharine Hill's comments. Because the judicial system, at least as it stands now, looks for 'winners' and 'losers', parents--even those with good intentions initially--can get caught up in a battle...and guess who's stuck in the middle? That's why KITM is also hoping to work to help reform the approach to family law, to make it more about co-parenting throughout, if separation seems inevitable. We also hope to address the issues around rights of grandparents (often one of the child's safest 'allies' during separation) after divorce, which I seem to remember is something that Katharine cares about deeply.

kids in the middle is in the Times today. I know - banging my own drum because i wrote the article and i hope you'll all forgive me mentioning it. but the point is that it's a good start on making the debate more public since the article kicks off a regular column on stepfamily issues, and thus many of the issues that we're talking about, in the paper. Yay for the Times in doing this regular column!
http://tinyurl.com/yfm8ny2

I have just read this article. I just wanted to say how offensive I think remarks like 'too often we let fathers off the hook' are. It's appalling! Once again, it shows how men are viewed as feckless and irresponsible with no interest in continuing their parenting after separation.

My experience is that I, and all of the other fathers that I know who are in my position, have had to use every last ounce of resolve in order to stay involved in our children's lives. WE WANT TO BE DADS TO OUR CHILDREN. But our ex's, Cafcass, CSA, work and, let's be honest, newspaper columnists make it a pretty thankless task.

I can only say that a comment like this shows a staggering lack of understanding about the complexity of family separation.

I think the signs are generally encouraging. My generation of fathers have been given much more 'permission to parent' than previously. I look around the streets and supermarkets and see a lot more father and child activity than there used to be when I was growing up. Some bits of the establishmnent though are slow to respond and we have benefits systems, family courts, children's services and employment rights that are out of date. That's why KITM can make a difference by arguing for changes that will benefit all families but particularly the 35% of kids whose parents live apart.

I wish I could share your optimism Jon. Sadly I do not. Whatever the success of KITM in raising funds for organisations to deliver services, the truth of the matter is that there remains a strong and powerful focus on the old ways of delivery. Until we break that we will not move forward as a society.

Parents like Paul and so many others like him need more than words and awareness raising. They need compassionate, empathic and empowering services that bring real change to their lives and to their children's lives.

We have a long road to travel before we get there. Whatever father/child activity you see in the streets, you can be sure that on separation that is likely to be interrupted and many dads will have to fight to achieve that ordinary, everyday relationship that is so beneficial to children.

Its not about comparing fatherhood then to fatherhood now. Its about unlocking the gendered laws and legislation that deliver the same gendered imperatives for mothers and fathers. Until we tackle that part, I would argue that we have not made a difference at all.

Paul,

You start from a double disadvantage as do all separated fathers. You are under public scrutiny and you are vulnerable to being labelled as a 'non resident' father with all the loaded meaning that term conveys.

Our society is not gender equal, which means that mothers and fathers who separate are not free to make the choices that they wish to make about their relationships with children. Mothers are most often confined to the role of carer and fathers are damned if they don't care and damned if they do, often being viewed as attempting to usurp the mother's role if they want to play a greater part in their children's everyday lives.

You deserve absolute respect, as do all fathers facing separation for the work that you put in to stay close to your children. The barriers you overcome are high and often raised higher by family, friends and wider society. You lack control over your life, you are labelled, scapegoated, categorized and judged. In any other aspect of our society your experience would cause a public outcry against such discrimination. And yet we stay silent, or worse, we seek to justify our views by setting your experience against the actions of others who have not done the right thing by their children.

I would say that its time to value separated dads and believe in their experience and meet their needs in ways that allows more choice, more control and closer relationships with children.

I hope this helps.

Karen Woodall
Centre for Separated Families

Dear Karen,

You are absolutely brilliant at this. I think this post is inspired!

Duncan

I’ve thought long and hard about whether I should respond to your mail, Paul. I feel I owe you one but I’d like to keep it a debate rather than an argument. Can we give each other a mutual listening ear and try to understand where the other is coming from? I have heard your anger and taken it on board.

You say all the fathers you know use every last ounce to stay involved with their children. Sadly, I and many of my fellow agony aunts and counsellors hear from the children and parents who do not share that experience, of having a non resident father who is always there for them. I frequently get letters that go over the efforts that a parent has made to include a father no longer living with his child/ren and who have found it hard. Either their children’s other parent seems to be too often in default fighting mode or he doesn't act with equal responsibility. I’m not calling anyone feckless or irresponsible. I’m not viewing anyone as feckless or irresponsible. In all the books I’ve had published on the subject of “single” parents (and my view is that there is no such thing as single parent as every child has two parents…) and stepfamilies, I take great care to explore and understand and explain why parents who do lose touch so often do so and to encourage mums and dads not to let it happen, or to repair the situation.

From my experience as an agony aunt and counsellor, and a stepmother, I would say it’s mostly to do with hurt and pain. The fathers who do lose touch do so because it hurts every time they hand their kids back, and they may decide it seems to hurt less if they don’t have to go through that experience again and again. And it hurts when children act up - which they do as they too find contact is problematical because it only underlines the fact that you and your Dad no longer live together. Which results in some dads deciding “My children would be better off without me - they could get on with their lives and settle in a new family if I was off the scene” Or “I would be better off - I wouldn’t have to go through that again and again.” And yes, too often mums ‘let them off the hook’ by accepting those sentiments as valid and understandable. They are understandable. They are not valid. The problem, frequently, is that both parents get used to the idea that it is mums who deal with most emotional stuff, and mums who facilitate the relationship between Dad and child. When there has been a separation, Mum may no longer be willing to go on making this effort - and no-one else steps in to do so. There is a general poor appreciation of how very, very important dads are to their children so men may back off, thinking they don’t matter, or get left on their own by everyone else, to sink or swim alone. Can you really lay your hand on your heart and tell me NONE of the dads you know or know about have ever slacked off for that reason - that it’s all too hard? It happens. And women and mums - and family services and wider society - need to recognise that it’s as much our responsibility to keep encouraging and facilitating contact as it is his to keep in touch. It’s interesting that the offending phrase is actually far more of a dig at separated mums than it is at dads - yet not one Mum had objected. In fact, I’ve had a couple who have mailed me privately and one said “You’re right and I hold my hand up to that.”

Do I understand the complexity of family separation? Yes I think I do, both professionally and personally. Am I supportive of fathers? Yes I am. Is it difficult to get all this across in a short 1700 word article which is edited by someone else? Yes, it may be. The line you didn’t quote from my article was “All the evidence shows that children do best when parents parent together. They don’t have to live under the same roof to be able to do this. What children need is to experience respect and concern. If parents show this to and for each other, the chances are that they will towards their offspring, and when this happens children thrive.” What KITM is about is recognising that in the pain and confusion of separation, so often kids get lost in the gap. That’s not to blame anyone - neither mums or dads. But it is to say that all of us need to do better, to help children get what they need - both parents as 100% Mum or Dad, even when their time together is less.

At Care for the Family we recognise the value of offering relationship support at an early stage, before things go wrong.
Kids in the Middle has recognised the great opportunity of offering support to both parents through maternity services. which is to be welcomed. The register office offers another such opportunity - offering relationship support to couples, many of whom are parents, when they contact the register office to sort out the legal arrangements for the wedding.

Kids in the Middle is a welcome voice at just the right time.

In my previous work as a family lawyer I saw many couples begin divorce proceedings, determined not to let their children get caught 'in the middle'. All too often however the acrimonious nature of the proceedings would gradually occupy the centre stage - and the childrens needs would inevitably be sidelined, and they would be caught in the crossfire.
A welcome change would be for the system to better allow parents to keep to their intention in allowing their childrens voice to be heard.

Kids in the Middle shows the power of collective activity from a coalition of people and organisations that often don't have the resources to shout their message alone. This is a new approach to supporting families and it should have very practical consequences at all stages. There are already good services out there that aren't known about* and it is getting them together that makes us realise what more can be done. Whatever comes out of it must not be too costly or difficult for families. I like the fact that we have put down a marker for children to be listened to. The title KITM says it all.

* I write this as someone who works for the national association of one of those services - child contact centres. These centres are not widely known about for families where there is extreme upset.
Separated parents who can't agree on contact with their children may be able to use these so that their children can meet the parent they don't live with in a supported, neutral and child-centred place. Centres may only be used for a relatively short period in the whole process of family breakdown, but they can be crucial for children's wellbeing if they can maintain relationships with both parents.

I hope that Kids in the Middle can successfully raise awareness within our society that children are deeply affected by family separation.

It is not just conflict between parents that creates difficulties for children, it is the impact of adjusting to life without regular, relaxed time with both parents. In order to make effective change for children, we need to understand that children fundamentally benefit from relationships with each of their parents and work out how to help this happen after a family separates.

Too many parents go through separation without support, without guidance and without knowing how to manage this highly stressful and difficult transition. Parents who come to the Centre for Separated Families tell us that they desperately want this help in order to ensure that their children are not too negatively affected by the change. Parents tell us that they want to work together but they have no idea how to go about it. Support and guidance for parents is imperative. Counselling for children is excellent, but less effective if parents are not also getting the help that they need too.

It's good to see the enthusiasm for counselling in schools (Naomi and Vicki's comments) Helping children and teenagers at the right time, when they're feeling so hurt and alone, not only eases their distress at the time. There's also an opportunity to talk through their fears about their own future--will I ever be able to make things work with someone, and how?--and could allow them to go forward with their self-esteem intact. Good counselling is an investment in our children's future, when they become parents themselves.

Everyone here is well aware of the importance of providing counselling for children and young people, probably in schools, yet who is going to pay for it? As well as my paid work, I counsel voluntarily in schools for a charity in North Nottinghamshire. Although our service is free to clients both in the community and in schools, who is paying for this service - who pays for the counsellor's mileage and for contributions to Clinical Supervision (in line with the BACP code of ethics)? The government (any government) is very good at coming with ideas that nobody can disagree with and like Every Child Matters before it, KITM is of course spot on in its findings and aims. And yet the government is not paying for it .... For the charity I counsel with in schools, those schools pay a nominal termly fee, but it far from covers travel, equipment, admin, monitoring, reporting, supervision costs. And so the charity struggles on month to month trying to raise funding for the work it does, costs which continue to rise, funded by grants and contributions which continue to fall at this time of recession, in the face of a continually rising number of requests for our work. Does anybody on this forum know of a way to get government funding for such a charity? I have been trying, but I can't find it if it's there ... certainly there's no ringfenced funding in the schools to pay for counselling. Why not?!

This is a welcome development. My organisation, Marriage Care, works with lots of couples who are separating and breaking up. One really heart-warming comment from such a couple was that they had realised that breaking up for them was the most important and logical step but they had also come to realise that they still needed to be team for their daughter! It would be great if we could get all such couples to think in this way and I hope that Kids in the Middle will achieve something like this for all children who suffer their parents break up.

On-line support is great for lots of people but isn't the whole answer for everyone - we need to make sure there are other ways that parents can get support and advice, particularly if they're not on-line or need to ask questions about their own situation.

Love the idea of school counsellors - just wondering how expensive it might be given how much pressure is on spending right now? Although nearby schools could perhaps share a counsellor.

it would be expensive - but so much cheaper than the alternative! Read "Backing the Future:
why investing in children is good for us all", a recent report by the independent think tank nef and Action for Children. Really sets out the economic argument for putting the money in where it belongs - in the early stages as intervention rather than later, when it's all bandages and mopping up. it's ludicrous when you think abut it; as a society we leave support to a stage when it's too little, too late, and costs trillions.

At a time of financial difficulty it has never been so important to use our valuable resources in an efficient and effective way and that is exactly what 'Backing the Future' recommends - that we invest in services that support a change in emphasis from spending on acute services to prioritising early intervention in order to address preventable social problems. You can read the report on the Action for Children website: http://www.actionforchildren.org.uk/content.aspx?CategoryID=561

The Backing the future report sets out the need for a comprehensive investment programme in preventative services for children and young people that would both save money on dealing with social problems, and deliver wider benefits to society.

Our findings also reveal the social value of early intervention services. For every £1 invested annually in Action for Children’s targeted services designed to catch problems early and prevent problems from reoccurring, society benefits by between £7.60 and £9.20. This social value can be generated, for example, through improved family relationships. For every £1 invested in an Action for Children children’s centre, a forecast social return to society of £4.60 is expected to be generated. Benefits are forecast to accrue to a range of stakeholders including children, parents, community, and the state.

brilliant report.should be required reading.

I think Kids in The Middle is a great idea. Children need the support when parents are going through separation. It is really tough on them.

You're so right, Jon, that Kids in the Middle has come along at exactly the right time. Our meetings with MP's and Ministers during the past year have demonstrated how important the issues that KITM respresent are to them, and we've seen that they're willing to respond with commitment and action. It's definitely an exciting time!

My name is Marina Tsioumanis and I'm the Australian author of the popular book series for separating families, 'Mum and Dad Are Separating'. Last month, the book series were awarded 'Highly Commended', at the prestigious British Medical Association's, 2009 Book Awards.

I've worked with separating families for ten years. My work engages the entire family and helps parents to perceive the situation, as seen 'through their children's eyes. This approach helps parents to make better informed decisions, that are in the best interests of the children. Many of the strategies I use are also included in the book series. My desire is to help family members to better understand each other, so they can provide support that is effective to move the family forward.

The book series consists of 3 books: Book 1 is an illustrated picture book for children -explaining grief and the changes that occur in family separation. Book 2 is an interactive CD-Rom- to help children explore their thoughts and feelings. Book 3 is a book for parents and relatives - providing comprehensive information and practical strategies on how to effectively support themselves and their children though the experience.
Marina Tsioumanis
Strengthening Families and Building Resilience in Children!

Kids in the middle was a campaigni waiting to happen but none of us can have predicted how successful we would be. At last politicians and opnion formers have begun to understand the importance in a child's life of both parents and in a country where a quarter of families have divorced or separated this should never be ignored or minimised.

Kids in the middle was a campaigni waiting to happen but none of us can have predicted how successful we would be. At last politicians and opnion formers have begun to understand the importance in a child's life of both parents and in a country where a quarter of families have divorced or separated this should never be ignored or minimised.