Is the recession all bad for children?

by Suzie Hayman on August 5, 2009

Everyone says the recession has been, and is continuing to be, a disaster for families. Credit is being crunched, jobs are being lost and family charities report an increase in calls as the pressure and stress of money worries leads to a significant rise in family conflict. But is that the whole picture?

Some political butt has been kicked for daring to suggest there may be an upside to the situation. It’s usually true that anyone pontificating on the nobility of poverty speaks from the right side of the manor wall. It’s very easy to wax lyrical on the opportunities afforded by redundancy when your job is copper bottomed and gold plated. But hey – I’ve been there. In fact, I’m still there so maybe I do have the right to say having to tighten belts can have some interesting and indeed highly positive aspects.

You see, from my POV and IMHO, being cash rich and time poor has far more devastating effects on family life than the other way round. I’d say the worst influences on family life today are the things we’ve got accustomed to from a consumer society – stuff like chill-cook prepared meals, a tv, dvd, laptop and games console in every bedroom, the fast-forward, wired up, networking society. Oh yeah, I facebook and twitter with the best of them. But when my family are there, we eat together, chat together, watch films together; hell, we even take baths together (ok – husband only included in that….).

Six months ago I had an email from a man who had lost his job and felt he’d lost any entitlement to being a real father – a father and a parent, after all, being someone who could care for his family. We discussed other definitions of father and parenthood, and other ways of caring and he came up with quite a catalogue of things his children said they missed out on when he had been in fulltime work So here’s the question;  with less money and more time, what upsides could you find?

  • pepsiloo
    Last night, we sat down to a family dinner, made from what we had left in the garden and a yellow label piece of meat. We had cooked a treacle sponge together and all thoroughly enjoyed this hearty meal brought on a very tight budget. We then played cards until the time had gone so quickly it was past my boys bedtime. It was a lovely evening, one of the best we have ever had. In another life in another time, Sunday would have been a very nice restaurant, then home to computer, TV or whatever latest gadget one or the other of us had. All separating off, all cocooned in our 'selves'. None of those Sundays will be as memorable as this one. This one was about us, about being a team, a family unit. Working together against a background of both my own and my husbands ill health which has resulted in him being unable to work and me having to work part time. We will never go back to the selfish world, we are far to happy in our joined up one thank you.
  • suzie_hayman
    how totally brilliant! I'm so sorry to hear about the ill heath - but wow, have you turned bad luck into good living. you're an example to us all so thank you for posting. I'm off to make a risotto with my family...
  • karenwoodall
    One of the problems of rebalancing relationships in a recession is when dad gets more involved with the children and mum feels like she is losing some of the control over the central role she has had in children's lives. I am currently working with a number of dads who, having lost jobs through redundancy, are having a whale of a time getting to know their kids. For them the joys of swimming on a Friday afternoon, picking up from school, friends round for tea are privileges they never thought they would enjoy. For the corresponding mums however, the loss of those times,the greater sharing of them or the fact that dad has what mum never had because she is working and the child minder used to do it all, can bring significant pain and a sense of resentment. This shifting dynamic in the family is an undercurrent that needs to be exposed and talked about before resentment builds, so that it does not become a faultline that puts the relationship between parents at risk.
  • suzie_hayman
    it's a really good point and i think one of the many issues that underlie conflict between separated parents, as well as those living together. and i agree it's one we need to bring out into the open. it's one of the 'pluses' i keep banging on about to reinforce fathers taking more of a role in the family - that in exchange for all the hard and messy work you get a real pay-back. but many women may see that payback as their little secret, and their reward for all the effort. so maybe we need to focus on the child - on what a gift it is to have a secure, happy child, whichever one of you is with them at the time. maybe we need to start talking about the fact that love and attachment is infinite even when time is limited. i'm not sure how we're going to do it but i agree we need to start now.
  • DuncanFisher
    I am not sure there are only two kinds of fear - fear of not being able to make ends meet, or fear of loss of status. Losing a job can be horrible and the whole thing can undermine your confidence and mood, so that actually everything becomes frightening. You can discover that while you have been manically employed trying to keep a job down, you live in a kind of bubble. When it goes it can feel like you are falling apart. In such circumstances it can be really diificult to be really there for your children. On the other hand, doing things with the children can be very therapeutic.
  • marinatsioumanis
    My name is Marina Tsioumanis and I'm the Australian author of the popular book series for separating families, 'Mum and Dad Are Separating'. Last month, the book series were awarded 'Highly Commended', at the prestigious British Medical Association's, 2009 Book Awards.

    I've worked with separating families for ten years. My work engages the entire family and helps parents to perceive the situation, as seen 'through their children's eyes. This approach helps parents to make better informed decisions, that are in the best interests of the children. Many of the strategies I use are also included in the book series. My desire is to help family members to better understand each other, so they can provide support that is effective to move the family forward.

    The book series consists of 3 books: Book 1 is an illustrated picture book for children -explaining grief and the changes that occur in family separation. Book 2 is an interactive CD-Rom- to help children explore their thoughts and feelings. Book 3 is a book for parents and relatives - providing comprehensive information and practical strategies on how to effectively support themselves and their children though the experience.
    Marina Tsioumanis
    Strengthening Families and Building Resilience in Children!
  • suzie_hayman
    Hmmm. Hey Marina - i would have liked you to comment on what i have said about parents, children and the recession. why not visit again and do so.
  • I can see your point, but also the other side of the issue. The problem with unemployment is the fear. It is so hard to be really there for your children if you are worried and miserable and if they are expecting lots of good things that cost money. But I like your point that you have to look for the good things even in really bad situations; at least that gives you back some control. The only thing that really works is employment (decently paid), but flexible employment, so you get the money and the time for your family. But that is a dream for most of us.
  • suzie_hayman
    i agree that fear is the issue here, and fearing you won't be able to pay the rent/mortgage or food and heating bills is a damn good reason to feel paralysed and depressed. But part of that fear isn't because of such reasonable and rational anxieties - it's because of anxieties that you don't measure up to society's standards of what a parent and particularly a father 'should' be and do. the reality is that kids do prefer a dad who chats with them and plays with them and is there for them far more than one who can buy them games consoles and the latest gizmo. it's a cliche but it's true that no-one ever said on their deathbed 'i wish i'd done more dusting/i wish i'd stayed longer at the office'. we do so often say 'i missed key times in my child's life; my kids never talk to me now they're grown up, i wonder why?'. when we can say 'i'm a dad' to the question 'what do you do', we'll be getting there.
  • suzie_hayman
    it's dream perhaps because we let it be so. i'm a total dreamer, i know, but i have this ridiculous vision of more and more fathers saying "No, i'm not working late - i have a family to go home to..." When more dads walked, we'd have such a better society.
blog comments powered by Disqus

Previous post: How do we keep relationships alive when children come along?

Next post: What do you think Kids in the Middle should campaign for?