How should we handle the breakdown of parents’ relationships?

by Karen Woodall on June 2, 2009

Family separation affects children in many ways, some that are not readily apparent until later in life when children become parents themselves.  In the UK, where the divorce and separation rate remains high, perhaps its time to change the way we help families to deal with the aftermath of separation.

The children who do best after separation are those whose parents can disentangle the ending of their adult relationship from their ongoing parenting relationship.  This ability to continue to parent together provides for children the continuity and certainty of a close relationship with mum and dad, which in turn provides the foundation for successful adult relationships in the future.  But too many parents who are separating find themselves so caught up in their own pain and suffering that their children’s needs are simply overlooked.

To makes things worse the support  that is available to separating parents is often responsible for increasing the conflict between them.  Many organisations encourage the notion that one parent has control over the children, viewing the other as an optional extra, or argue that both parents should have equal rights to their children’s time. Neither of these approaches help parents to work together to give their children the love, care and support that is so essential to their well being.

We  should instead set an expectation that both parents will continue to be fully involved in their children’s lives after separation and invest in services to support that.  These services should not just be about reducing conflict but about helping children to feel secure in a model of close, positive parenting that they will be able to draw upon when they become parents themselves.

Services to support the rebuilding of parenting partnerships are delivered widely in other countries (for example Australia) but remain rare and underfunded in the UK.  The Centre for Separated Families offers support to both parents at the point of separation and beyond, helping separated mums and dads to build better relationships.  This approach is not a quick fix. But the investment is worth it because the research shows that  when parents can rebuild a working partnership their children will benefit for the rest of their lives.

We believe that the time has come to move from focusing upon adult rights to supporting parental responsibilities, and to invest in more services that reorientate parents towards the needs of their children. It is time for those who develop policy to think differently about what is really needed for children.  This is not just about helping children now, but about investing in the future.

Tagged as: children, Relationships, separation, services

  • karenwoodall
    An Unspoken Wound: How the UK gets it wrong for children affected by family separation

    http://bit.ly/2YxWtf
  • lisajeremy
    And...fundamentally anyone wanting to make "a better life for a child" must talk to the children to understand their needs. I am a stepmother to three older children whose parents divorced during their teenage years. We have been very successful at bringing them all through this period and fundamentally their formative years of study to, ensuring access to a future they want. This was all done by ensuring an open relationship and listening to their needs, appreciating their silences or need for space accordingly. Allowing time to listen and talk to the children is of paramount importance whether you be a parent or an organisation, certainly to back up any funding matters for the future.
  • Felicity_R
    I think that some of the comments here are very interesting. However, I am extremely cross to read the piece written by Vicki Peacey of the group Gingerbread who talks about conflict. In my experience, organisations like Gingerbread are very often responsible for causing conflict because they encourage mothers to believe that they have the right to decide how the whole situation should be.

    My husband has been a wonderful father to his two daughters for eight years since his divorce. His ex wife was having an affair and took the children away from him so that she could pursue it. She 'allowed' him contact with the girls on a Wednesday night and every other weekend but each time things aren't exactly as she wants them to be, there is trouble. When my husband phoned Gingerbread for advice, they were very rude to him and said that they existed for the parent-with-care and, therefore, would not help him.

    When are we going to see an end to this situation where fathers are seen as being second best and treated badly whatever the circumstances of the divorce. One parent should not have all the control because this leads to unhappiness for the other parent, step families and, most importantly, children.
  • janerobey
    National Family Mediation has worked for the last 30 years with families experiencing divorce and separation. Our aim is "to help parents who live apart stay close to their children".We are only too well aware of the devastating impact family breakdown can have on all members of the family. And yet we know that parents who are helped to communicate and negotiate during and after their separation can go on to provide the most valuable resource -a nurturing and supportive environment for their children. Sadly an increasingly adversarial, litigious and extremely expensive approach to family breakdown has meant that few families have experienced the benefit of the alternatives available through NFM services. The National Audit Office report march 2007 reported family breakdown resolved through mediation is "quicker cheaper and above all provides longer lasting more durable outcomes for families". Family mediation like other services that support families has been under funded and under resourced. It is time government policy development looked at the whole family rather than the sum of its parts. The family has within it the resources to manage itself but sometimes it needs outside support to get through difficult times. Those support services need to be readily available.

    Jane Robey
    Chief Executive Officer
    National family Mediation
  • yvonne_kee
    I don't know who coined the phrase, 'Love your children more than you hate each other' but it resounds over and over in this article. Hostility - with winners and losers - is so often a feature of separated parents that the children are always the losers. We have to give them every chance; we have to nurture their emotional wellbeing, now and in the future.

    Karen says, 'We should instead set an expectation that both parents will continue to be fully involved in their children’s lives after separation and invest in services to support that.' As long as it is safe - Hear, hear!

    One aspect in that? Child contact centres.
  • suzie_hayman
    it's a good 'un, isn't it? It's the title of a report http://tinyurl.com/yhwst5o published by Parentline Plus and it was said by one of the respondents to their survey on the subject of divorce and separation. i think we should all claim it however - it really nails the issue.
  • Vicki_Peacey
    Gingerbread's research on children's contact after separation showed that the presence or absence of conflict between the parents is a very strong predictor of whether the child carries on seeing the parent they don't live with. Services that support people to work together as parents after separation must recognise the importance of conflict - I agree it's not the only thing but it sure is important!

    Another thing that came through strongly - especially from the children we interviewed - was that the arrival of a new child can be risky for children's relationship with a parent. This is another key point when services could offer support, as well as at the point of break-up.
  • suzie_hayman
    you're so right about this - that the arrival of a new child is a pinch point to other children in the family. all the emphasis is on mum and baby; we're fighting hard enough for dad to be included but we also need to focus on how existing children are treated and how they make sense of what they are experiencing and is happening. i'm sure there are some good books on the subject available but not everyone buys or borrows books. maybe this is another publication we ought to be thinking about from the KITM brand?
  • karenwoodall
    I agree that conflict is a strong predictor of whether a child carries on seeing the parent they don't live with but what is important here are the causes of conflict between separated parents.

    Too many parents who start of with the best intentions of working together for the benefit of their children, find themselves caught in a maelstrom of conflict weeks and months after separation. This conflict is not even necessarily related to the end of the adult relationship, although difficulties in making the emotional separation can create endless conflict for some.

    Conflict can erupt on the road beyond family separation over many things, some large, some small.

    The problem that separated parents are trying to overcome is that their emotional relationship is at an end and there is a need to re-negotiate the terms of the new, parenting relationship. The struggle to do this, without support or guidance, is, for some, impossible and conflict becomes a feature of their post separation relationship, affecting children and their relationships with parents.

    Family separation is not a one off event, it is an ongoing process that must be negotiated carefully and many events can happen in either parents life that have the potential to trigger conflict. Separated parents need support and guidance at many stages, not just to overcome conflict, but to understand how to manage change on an ongoing basis. When parents learn how to do this effectively, conflict is reduced and children are free to have close relationships with both of their parents.

    Delivering this kind of relationship support is the project we are engaged in at the Centre for Separated Families.



  • SrabaniSen1
    Families with disabled children are more likely than most to face a breakdown in relationship between parents. This is usually caused by the strains of having to fight at every corner for the services that they need to support their children and their families. With the numbers of disabled children growing significantly, these are not families that we can afford to ignore any more. If we could get the services in place for these families and their children, we could prevent a significant number of these relationships breaking down in the first place.
  • suzie_hayman
    good point! it's my feeling that the more we push for universal services - for this support to be there both in crisis but actually there as a way of helping skill-up before the crisis hits - the more families who are at especial risk will also be helped. part of the problem is the stigma of asking for support, part the dearth of it. if support for new families became universal it would give families the chance to recognize how vital it is to pull together, and how useful it often is to ask for the help to do so.
  • naomirichards
    I totally agree with this. I have many friends going through separation and finalising the final arrangements for children has been a long process which has made it painful for the children. It is important the parents work together through the process and have some help to do this but the help be child focused - what is best for them not the parents. After separation parents need to have some help in working together for the interest of the children so that the children have security and have their needs met as well as the parents having an arrangement that suits them both
  • marinatsioumanis
    My name is Marina Tsioumanis and I'm the Australian author of the popular book series for separating families, 'Mum and Dad Are Separating'. Last month, the book series were awarded 'Highly Commended', at the prestigious British Medical Association's, 2009 Book Awards.

    I've worked with separating families for ten years. My work engages the entire family and helps parents to perceive the situation, as seen 'through their children's eyes. This approach helps parents to make better informed decisions, that are in the best interests of the children. Many of the strategies I use are also included in the book series. My desire is to help family members to better understand each other, so they can provide support that is effective to move the family forward.

    The book series consists of 3 books: Book 1 is an illustrated picture book for children -explaining grief and the changes that occur in family separation. Book 2 is an interactive CD-Rom- to help children explore their thoughts and feelings. Book 3 is a book for parents and relatives - providing comprehensive information and practical strategies on how to effectively support themselves and their children though the experience.
    Marina Tsioumanis
    Helping to strengthen families and build resilience in children!
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